Eight Interviews Regarding the Murder of a Wizard
A story about questions and protracted answers
1. Benjamin Slater – Police Officer
OK, yeah, so first of all let me just say that it was a really awful morning that day with the rain coming down absolute cats and dogs and everything was pretty washed out, and the evidence was pretty much just floating away down the street into the drains, which meant that when I got to the scene there was really not much around, not even the girl who had called it in, and that was what allowed me to find the wound in the guy’s neck because I could pretty much just examine him unimpeded with all the blood rinsed off him and such, and it was those two pinpricks that let me know something weird was up, which was why we called in MI37 in the first place.
2. Alice Shepherd – Waitress
Sure, yeah, I was the one who found the guy in the alley, but I was just back there grabbing a cigarette because sometimes the days are hard and I need to relieve the pressure, which was kind of my focus at the time—all the stuff going on with my boss and such—so that was probably why I didn’t really focus on him at the time, which I realize must seem kind of dumb because he was just lying there and everything, but it’s not like I’ve been accused of being the world’s most observant person, which is actually kind of what my boss had been on at me about, which is probably why I can’t tell you anything else about the guy.
3. Clyde Bradley – MI37 Agent/Wizard
Well, Arthur, actually there’s really some fascinating aspects here, because once you get below the clothing layer and look at the dead man’s skin there are a lot of runes tattooed here, and we’re not talking the weird fascist ones that neo-Nazi arseholes get, but actual real magical stuff from the planes of Leng and so forth, which can have a lot of effects including, although not limited to, some serious protection of the sort that would, say, for example, prevent your casual murder in an alleyway on a Tuesday night, which essentially supports that this wasn’t a casual murder in an alleyway on a Tuesday night, except I suppose it really was a Tuesday.
4. Beatrice Jeffries – Deceased’s Sister
OK, yes, fine, Alec was a wizard in the sense that yes, he performed magical spells and rituals in order to change things in the world that you and I live in, but not in the sense that he was running around in robes on a Saturday night trying to bewitch young women into doing inappropriate things with his magic wand, because, you see, Alec felt very strongly that the powers he had access to should be used responsibly and for the good of others, and so he was very much involved in looking for ways to protect those who were worse off than himself, and if you ask me, it was almost certainly that sort of reckless and brave behavior that got him killed.
5. Ethel Schulz – Retired Librarian
Oh, aye, yes, I’ve done lived opposite that alleyway a fair number of years so I have, and it’s always funny comings and goings with that place so it is, and honestly I have to say I’m fair surprised that you’re the first people to come around asking me about it, for I’ve done seen all sorts of things dragged out of there in the middle of the night, and I’ve done called the police about it more than once, because quite frankly, I can’t believe all the plastic-wrapped things I’ve seen hauled out of there really could be mannequins, which is what the police always tell me in the end, so I’m fair glad you found something concrete this time, although I am of course not glad that someone is dead because I’m not a monster just a retired librarian.
6. Kayla MacDoyle – MI37 Agent/Swordswoman
Actually, rather than me answering your stupid feckin’ questions, I want you to tell me how the feck you’ve gotten so far into this feckin’ case without circling back to the two little pinpricks on that dead feck’s neck, because that seems a fair feckin’ dead giveaway that there’s some feckin’ vampire shite going on and you seem to be ignoring the shit out of it, when what you should be doing is looking at all the people involved and just figuring out who looks the deadest, because if we don’t have a wizard hunting wee vampires here and getting himself all deaded for it then I’ll cut my own damned head off.
7. Giles Hannigan – Restaurant Owner
Oh yeah, I’ve owned one of the places that backs onto that alley for donkey’s years now, which is no small achievement in the food industry let me tell you, because a lot of places ain’t run right, so they end up going under early, and so I want on the record that my fiscal fortitude is the secret of the longevity of The Cracked Crab, because I think that if I ever stand up in court and attest to any of this then I do at least want to attest to that, but, anyway, in answer to your original question, no, I’ve never had a waitress called Alice Shepherd work for me, so it sounds a lot like someone’s giving you the runaround.
8. Alice Shepherd – Vampire/Murderer
Oh, so you caught me. Big whoop.
Thank you for reading Something’s a Little Off. Fun fact: I have a novella coming out on September 15th. You can pre-order it today.