1.
Dear Parents,
We are excited about our upcoming trip to the Miksatonic University History Museum. This is an exciting opportunity for our children to learn local history and engage with rare primary sources. Please sign below to indicate that your child has your permission to attend this enlightening and enriching trip.
NOTE: By signing, you are agreeing that Arkham Jr. High will not be held responsible for:
Any items lost on the trip
Any injuries sustained during the trip
Any therapist fees incurred after the trip
Any fees from a church or other religious institution for rites and/or exorcisms that occur in the aftermath of the trip
Any medical fees related to physical changes or mutations your child sustains during the trip
Sincerely,
Albert Thatcher, Principal
2.
Dear Parents,
It has been brought to my attention that there is growing concern amongst some of you regarding the contents of the school library. Indeed, I am told, a proposal to remove several of our tomes will be put forth at the next school board meeting. While the staff and I will of course abide by any ruling from the school board, I feel I would be abandoning my principles if I were not to state that I am strongly opposed to limiting any child’s access to information. Book bans impoverish our community intellectually and are frequently self-defeating exercises that only exacerbate a child’s interest in a book. We would much rather a child encounter a challenging and potentially sanity-shredding text like the Necronomicon or The Book of Azathoth in a supportive school environment rather than downloaded from a dark corner of the internet.
Sincerely,
Albert Thatcher, Principal
3.
Dear Parents,
I know there has been a lot of talk recently regarding the trip to Miksatonic University History Museum. I regret to inform you that, yes, Devon Osgood is currently missing. For clarity’s sake I will note that Devon disobeyed strict museum staff directions and read directly from one of their ancient tablets. We are still investigating precisely how Devon learned the tongue of Ebon. Should any staff be found responsible, they will be disciplined accordingly.
All our thoughts are with the Osgood family during this difficult time.
Sincerely,
Albert Thatcher, Principal
4.
Dear Parents,
This is just a quick reminder that the School Board meeting discussing the proposal to remove several tomes from our library is scheduled for 7:00 pm tonight. This is a public meeting, and anyone may speak on the topic. On a personal note, I do hope that young Devon Osgood’s possession of forbidden knowledge will not be a factor. There is currently no evidence that he learned the tongue of Ebon from any book in our library.
Sincerely,
Albert Thatcher, Principal
5.
Dear Parents,
In accordance with last night’s ruling, all texts that can potentially damage your children’s sanity—either temporarily or permanently—have been removed from the school library.
Sincerely but disappointedly,
Albert Thatcher, Principal
6.
Dear Parents,
It is with great joy that I can report that Devon Osgood has been recovered from dimensions unknown and returned to the school.
At the request of his family, I am also asking you to talk to your children about acceptance and inclusion. We understand that your children may have a difficult time with Devon’s new-grown one thousand eyes, tentacular appendages, and goat-like bleating. However, name-calling and ridicule are antithetical to the community we have built here at Arkham Jr. High. Any bullying will be dealt with in accordance with our zero-tolerance policy.
Sincerely,
Albert Thatcher, Principal
7.
Dear Parents,
I am writing to clarify events that transpired in Mr. Garrison’s art class today, and the subsequent actions that the school will be taking. In third period, per several eyewitness reports, Samuel Moore, Noah Miller, and Jessica Vasquez were all overhead taunting Devon Osgood regarding his recent physical changes. This, I will repeat, is in direct contradiction to the school’s written policy. Devon, who was visibly agitated by this treatment, did manifest a second head that spoke in a tongue beyond human ken, and opened a portal which subsequently dragged Mr. Moore, Mr. Miller, and Ms. Vasquez into dimensions unknown.
We are working with experts from Miskatonic University to ensure their safe return in as timely a manner as possible. In the meantime, Mr. Osgood has been suspended for two weeks.
Thank you for your understanding at this difficult time,
Albert Thatcher, Principal
8.
Dear Parents,
It is with great joy that I can confirm that Samuel Moore, Noah Miller, and Jessica Vasquez have all been recovered with their minds and physical forms at least 70% intact. As an educator, I wish to include a few additional details that I find particularly rewarding.
While the staff and I worked with experts from Miskatonic University, several students took it upon themselves to try and recover their classmates themselves. As I had previously suggested might happen, the book banning that took place earlier this year had only increased their interest in certain forbidden tomes. Noting the ancient tongue spoken by Mr Osgood before he lost the power of human speech, they had all downloaded copies of the Book of Ebon (although, I will note, a vastly inferior translation than the one we used to possess). Using the knowledge they gained from this ancient text, they were able to perform a blood rite and venture into the Outer Void to recover their classmates (as a side note, we will be having an assembly to discuss the appropriate involvement of 7th graders as ritual vessels, and the impact of negative peer pressure).
For me, this can only stand as a testament to: 1) the power of books and reading; 2) the futility of trying to ban knowledge; 3) the promise and potential of our students. They are our future, and one day all will tremble and bow before both them and the dark tide that floods from the shadows they cast upon the world.
Sincerely,
Albert Thatcher, Principal