Side Effects May Include
A story about medicine and modernity
What is THE MEDICINE™?
THE MEDICINE™ is a prescription medicine used to treat:
Malaise
Fatigue
FOMO
Waking up without a sense of purpose, but dragging yourself out of bed anyway, and performing tasks one by one in a sequence that seems both abstract and preordained, as if you are little more than a marionette puppeted by forces you cannot see or understand, who are as alien to you as you are to an ant.
Headaches
Before you take THE MEDICINE™, tell your healthcare provider about all of your medical conditions, including if you:
Have a history of cardiovascular disease
Have a history of cancer
Have recently undergone surgery
Are pregnant or plan to become pregnant
Suffer from bouts of uncontrollable rage
Sometimes find yourself staring into the middle distance with no idea how long you have sat there at the intersection staring at the traffic lights shift from red to yellow to green to red in an unending pattern, trapped by routine, with no way out
Are breastfeeding
Tell your healthcare provider about all the medicines you take, even the reality TV shows you watch. Sometimes doctors’ souls need the balm of inanity too.
How should I take THE MEDICINE™?
You should not take THE MEDICINE™. No one should take THE MEDICINE™. It is inadvisable to take THE MEDICINE™.
THE MEDICINE™ comes in small brown bag without a label. You may swallow it, or crush and snort it, or sit in a small derelict apartment and melt it in a spoon before injecting it directly into your veins. It’s up to you. THE MEDICINE™ doesn’t judge you.
Once you have started taking THE MEDICINE™, we do not recommend missing a dose. We’re not sure what happens when you do. We’re a little bit scared.
What should I avoid while taking THE MEDICINE™?
Avoid drinking grapefruit juice, eating grapefruit or taking supplements that contain grapefruit or St. John’s wort during treatment with THE MEDICINE™. But only because they’re gross.
What are the possible side effects of THE MEDICINE™?
High blood pressure. While taking THE MEDICINE™, you may find that things you were previously able to tolerate now cause a thundering noise in your ears. You may find that you can feel your pulse in your neck. People may comment on a bulging vein in your forehead. They may say it looks like a blood vessel has burst in your eye. Your cheeks may grow red, and you may feel hot. Your doctor will measure your blood pressure each month. Tell your doctor if you start to cough up blood.
Uncontrollable movements. While taking THE MEDICINE™, you may experience the insatiable urge to stand up, to move around, to wave your arms. You may drum your fingers uncontrollably against the table whenever your uncle starts to talk. You may jerk your leg up and down and people will tell you to lay off the coffee, and you will laugh in a way that they find unnerving and which causes them to back away slowly, making no sudden moves.
Weeping. While taking THE MEDICINE™, you may just burst into tears for no reason. Right there in the middle of the store. In the middle of your son’s orchestra recital. At the beauty. At the horror. At your inability to discern the two.
Laughing. While taking THE MEDICINE™, you may just start laughing for no reason at all. Right there in the middle of your tennis lesson. In the middle of the Sephora makeup aisle. At the horror. At the beauty. At your inability to discern the two.
An inability to understand what people are talking about. While taking THE MEDICINE™, you may find yourself staring at your friends and wondering, “What the hell? What are you even talking about? This is nonsense. It’s meaningless nonsense. It has no bearing on our lives whatsoever. Who even are these people you’re talking about? Have you ever seen them in real life? Do you even know for sure that they exist outside of your phone’s screen? Haven’t you ever once cared about something tangible and real? Haven’t you ever tried to engage with the world that’s right there all around us? My God! What is wrong with you?” Tell your healthcare provider right away if you start to scream these things loudly into your friends’ faces.
Diarrhea. We’re sorry. It’s just every medicine seems to cause diarrhea these days and we didn’t want to feel left out.
Running off into the woods never to be seen again. While taking THE MEDICINE™, you may find yourself slowly returning to consciousness while in your car, or while riding a bike, or a horse, or just running and running and running as if your life depended on it. As if escape is the only possible answer. As if there is a place that you can get to if only you travel far enough. If only you go deep enough, or high enough, or away enough. You may be desperate to get to a place where no one recognizes your face. Where the wildlife has never seen man before and doesn’t run away startled but only turns to gaze at you curiously with soft brown eyes. Where the signal cannot reach. Where you have no bars. Where there is no 24/7 news channel. No 24/7 pharmacy. Where you cannot stream or surf. Where you have no idea what is going on. Where it is just you, and you can just sit quietly, as if you were a stone in a stream, a root in a forest, a stalk in a meadow. Where you can slowly feel yourself coming back to yourself. Where you can breathe. Where you no longer weep or laugh, only exist. Where, if you wait long enough, and are still enough, and are healed enough, you will finally see all the other people taking THE MEDICINE™, and who are all finally cured, just like you.