Ingredients
4 tablespoons unsalted butter
4 ounces semi-sweet chocolate bar
3 large eggs
1 teaspoon pure vanilla extract
1/8 teaspoon salt
1/8 teaspoon cream of tartar
3 tablespoons granulated sugar
Instructions
1. Chop the chocolate. You can use any sharp knife for this. Or… OK… You can break it up with your hands. It’s fine. It won’t be as small, but, yeah, you be you.
2. Melt the butter and chocolate together in a double boiler. You remember what a double boiler is, don’t you? Your mom showed you when you were a teenager. She did this a thousand times making things for you. It wasn’t like she was the one with the sweet tooth. The least you could have done was pay attention.
3. OK, fine, google a double boiler. There. Got it? You remember that, right?
4. Separate… Oh God. OK. You’re going to have to separate the eggs. I know. Just stay with me on this one. Your mom showed you this too. No, don’t… don’t google it. It’s just going to try to sell you… No, you do not need an egg separator. Just tip the yolk back and forth from the two halves of the shell. Yes! Your mom never did that for her health.
5. Well, dammit now you’ve made a mess, and you need more eggs. And then the chocolate will seize and you’ll just need to start all over.
6. Wait… why are you googling egg substitutes? You can’t just… This is a soufflé. You can’t go rogue on a soufflé. Flax seed and water??? Why do you even own flax seed? You know that health food stuff is just people trying to make money off your insecurities.
7. OK, fine. Whisk whatever it is you’ve just made, along with the vanilla extract and salt, into the chocolate-butter mix.
8. Why didn’t you measure the vanilla extract? You can’t just tip and pour. Baking is a science. It’s about precise amounts. You can’t just wing it. Winging it is what got you that job at that paper place that you hated and led to that whole mess with Steve. You need to have a plan. You need to think ahead. This has always been your problem. You didn’t even read this recipe ahead of time, did you?
9. OK. OK. No. You’re right. It’s as much me as it is you. It’s just a soufflé. It’s ridiculous to get upset over it. Your mother isn’t going to reevaluate your entire relationship based on your ability (or lack thereof) to make a soufflé. Let’s just move on. Let’s just… Ah crap. OK. We’re beating egg whites now, and that flax seed… No, I know the internet said you could do the flax seed thing. But you can’t whip up flax seed, water, and cream of tartar into stiff peaks You just can’t. So… maybe we can rescue the eggs? If you just spoon out the yolk? OK. It could be worse. Add the cream of tartar and start whipping. Attagirl.
10. Well… ok. It’s… I mean… they’re not stiff peaks, but they’re kind of peaky? No I wouldn’t advise holding the bowl over your head. I know they do that on that baking show, but you are not on that baking show, and they didn’t have most of 3 egg yolks in their mix. And, I’m sorry if I sound critical, but, well, this is a critique. You need to face reality.
11. OK, well now you need a towel. And I guess tissues too. But there really isn’t a need to cry. It’s just a soufflé. That’s what I’ve been trying to tell you.
12. I mean why did you even think to try a soufflé? Being nearly impossible to make is like its whole thing. You just figured, I baked with mom once ten years ago, I’ll perform this ridiculous baking flex? And then, oh guess what, you did not follow the clearly marked path. You tried to make it your own. Again. Because how does that work out? EVERY time?
13. Oh Jesus. Look, no. No, that was out of line. I’m just trying to say… No, you’re right. No, I get it. It’s not just a soufflé. It’s a metaphor. Yes. You and your mother’s relationship. Yes. Adulthood. Yes, I get it. And yes, no… No, it’s not going to plan. Not the soufflé. Not adulthood. Not the relationship. And… Oh man. OK, well… Look, first off, a metaphor isn’t a one-to-one correlation. Just because the soufflé is a disaster doesn’t mean the rest of life is going to be a disaster.
14. Oh come on. Face facts. The soufflé is a disaster. Half of it is in your hair.
15. Look, I know you wanted to make a soufflé. We all want to make a soufflé. We see people online showing off their magical perfect soufflés, and we think, God that looks good. If I had just the right amount of time and the right ingredients, I could make a soufflé like that. And if everybody else could just see my soufflé they’d know that I had my shit together. If they knew I could make that soufflé they wouldn’t doubt all the other things I can do. If I knew I could make a soufflé like that, I wouldn’t doubt all the other things I can do. But… those are just pictures. On the internet. That soufflé probably tastes vile. There’s probably a filter involved. Perhaps what’s more impressive, is not scouring the supermarket desperately searching for the right ingredients. Perhaps what’s actually impressive is looking in the fridge, and finding the creativity and grit to make something anyway. Maybe it's not what anyone planned originally, but it’s still edible. Hell, maybe it’s even delicious in its own way.
16. Yes, the soufflé is still a metaphor.
NOTE: For an actual soufflé recipe, check out Sally’s Baking Addiction.
I mean, if you mention Sally's Baking Addiction, I have to like it. This is the way.